My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
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[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.