If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
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Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer