Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
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If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.