Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
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Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen