that wasn’t the question
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Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?