two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
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There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.