Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
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WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.