Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
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i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.