ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
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Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*