Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
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Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
How it started: How it’s going:
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
[eulogy]
line?
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work