A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
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Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
me doing my best
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.