I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
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I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
termite twitter scares me
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming