Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
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teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know