Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
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A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.