Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
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GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
pictures of spider-man
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
sugar glider wrangler
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things