[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
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URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks