3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
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my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Thursday