Okay, I’m still confused…
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Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news