[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
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Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
the Monday after daylight savings
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from