Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me: