Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
You Might Also Like
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Sorry. Not sorry
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Just me and my debit card against the world
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.