*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
You Might Also Like
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
shampoo implies shampee
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”