[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
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I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Camping tip: No.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.