[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
You Might Also Like
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
If only.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets