Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
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*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Easy enough.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.