Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
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Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
*struts into the new year
~ trips
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems