[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
dutch is not a serious language
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
I’m literally crying
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?