“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
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According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Sell your car
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
How many? 🤔
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano