The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
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ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
That time Alicia messaged me
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return