If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
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Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
absolute chaos
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is