If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
You Might Also Like
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.