An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
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I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.