“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
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My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Education is vital
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.