Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
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I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
What even happened today?
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest