Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
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if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
#NeverForget