Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
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I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?