*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
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Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
A woman drives into a bar.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
That’s classic.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”