Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
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Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Namaste
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”