Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
You Might Also Like
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
When you kidnap a writer.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
They must have gotten it to go.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
😜