My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
You Might Also Like
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.