7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
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Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this