I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
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I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser