When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
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“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
new wife guy just dropped
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.