[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
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[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Worlds greatest photobomb
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.