911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
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College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
*praying for world peace*
God:
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania