Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
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If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Great acting.. 😂
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?