I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
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A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.