I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
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[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That