I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
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Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Thursday
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.