Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
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I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
The best plant holders?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight